If Only You Knew
by Jacobhvilvd
Summary: He kept secrets from no one, and he had thought that after three years together some of that had rubbed off onto her. But what if Jade had one thing that she never wanted Beck to know.
1. I Really Loved Him

**Hello everyone! So this idea has been bouncing around in my head for awhile, and I finally decided to put fingers to keyboard and type it up. I haven't been writing for very long, and don't think I'm very good at it. I'm really nervous about writing this story because I really want to do it justice. **

**This is why you, the readers, will be deciding if I write it or not. Review saying whether you want me to continue, and any constructive criticism would be appreciated also. I'm here to try and improve, and wouldn't you rather be reading something good? I know you can't gleam much from this chapter, but if I continue the first couple will be just setting the story up.**

**Anyway, review with your thoughts.**

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><p><strong>Prologue <strong>

I loved him. As much as it was hard for me to show it, I really loved him. There were throngs of people ready to say that we were too young to know what love was, or that I was too cold hearted to ever understand those types of emotions, but really it was the who didn't understand.

They didn't understand why I was the way I was, or why I needed him so badly. It wasn't their fault, completely. I mean, they could help being completely annoying human beings, but then again, they didn't know the whole story. And they wouldn't. Ever. Not if I had my way at least. And neither would he. As much as I loved him, and trusted him, he couldn't know. That's why really. Because I loved him; and I knew he loved me back. But he wouldn't if he knew. He wouldn't be with me if he knew.

My father knew, and he hated to be around me. My mother knew, but she knew better than to bring it up. That therapist that I had refused to ever visit again a long time ago knew. Some random cops who would no longer recognize me, my grandparents, and my mother's best friend, all of whom probably pushed it to the back of their minds a long time ago.

And then there was the monster. He knew. Of course he knew; it was all his fault.

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><p>Walking into school this morning I made my way over to Jade's locker, two coffee's in my hands and a grin on my face. She was standing there with a frown on her face, staring intently at her nails as Tori continued on with whatever story she was telling.<p>

Looking up her eyes caught mine and a flicker of a smile came across her face as she grabbed her bag and started towards me. She came up and grabbed at the coffee I offered her, gladly excepting the kiss I planted on her lips before we made our way back to the others.

"So then he took me out to see this super romantic movie", Tori gushed, looking towards Robbie and Cat for their reactions.

"Come out with me and I'll show you what it's like to date a real man."

"Really Rex?" Tori shot him a look, annoyance apparent on her face.

Suddenly the bell rang and we all made our way towards our next classes. I hurried to grab my things and follow Jade down the hallway, entwining our fingers when I finally reached her. We managed to sit through the next two classes and finally lunch came around. Everyone was practicing for some presentation they had that afternoon, so Jade and I got to spend some time alone. As much as I loved my friends, I liked these moments alone as well.

"So are you coming over tonight?"

"Sure, just let me check with my dad."

"You're with him this week?"

"Yeah, he's going on a business trip next weekend so I had to get my quality time over and done with."

"Shouldn't you be spending time with him then?"

"Court only requires us to sleep in the same house, nothing says we have to actually do stuff together."

Her father was never one of Jade's favourite topics of conversation, so finished lunch planning out our evening; typical fights about which movies to watch and whether or not any homework would be completed.

We finished lunch and made our way back to our friends, smiling and chatting, listening to André's chorus for a new song, and Rex's latest issue with his puppetmaster. Only three more hours and it would be just me and Jade, a few calm hours alone. Or about as calm as things got with my girlfriend around.

Last period of the day was Sikowitz's class, and thankfully the man was high off hallucinogenic coconut milk half of the time (as if that was all he was drinking). We played a couple rounds of alphabet improve and then spent the rest of class talking, occasionally mentioning something related to acting, but mostly just veering off onto which ever topic came up.

At the last bell we all fled the room, rushing to our lockers and attempting to exit as quickly as possible. Jade waited for me as I grabbed my stuff out of my locker and then we headed outside, walking hand-in-hand over to my truck.

Even though it wasn't the weekend yet we could still spend a couple hours together at night. Jade and I had managed to get most of our classes together, which meant that most of our homework was the same. She texted her father during the drive and since he was going to be at work all night anyway he didn't care. Not that he ever said no to her anyway.

I found that Jade's father preferred to just let her do what she wanted, as long as she stayed out of his way. Not that I minded having my gorgeous girlfriend come over to my house almost every day of the week. One of the many advantages to the RV was its privacy. And soundproofing.

We finally arrived at my house and pulled in, Jade grabbing the keys from the ignition before I could and heading over to let herself in. As soon as I walked in I saw her lying on the bed, eyes closed and bag lying forgotten on the floor.

"Don't you want to get our homework over and done with?"

"Fuck homework."

"Babe what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

I walked over to the bed and lay down next to her, turning my head to that my face was buried in her hair.

"You're not usually one to blow off school work."

"I'm just not in the mood."

"We can do it after supper if you want?"

Sighing, she sat up and reached over me to grab our bags. She searched through them both and handed me a math textbook, turning onto her stomach and staring at her questions.

"I offered to do it after dinner."

"I'd rather get it over and done with."

We lay there for over an hour, occasionally Jade would reach her feet over to lean on mine, or I'd look over at her chewing on her pencil. After what seemed an eternity we were both finished and I went inside my parent's house only to discover that they were out for the evening.

At least that meant that we could use the big screen.

Neither Jade nor I was much for cooking so I threw some pasta into boiling water while she chose a movie. Twenty minutes later and we were stretched out on the couch, when the opening sequence to E.T. came on.

"No, babe I don't want to watch this."

"Why not? You have nothing better."

"Yeah, but I really hate this film."

"Come on, it's not that bad."

"Critically no, I just have some bad experiences with it."

"Bad experiences with a film made for children?"

"Well, I was six the first time that I saw it. Aliens are terrifying to six year olds."

"No, only you."

"I just don't want to watch it, ok?"

"Ok, whatever."

She changed the film to some chick flick my mom had bought and we settled back down.

"Now you don't have any bad experiences with this one, do you Becky?"

"I was six!"

"Alright, fine, I can deal with the fact that my boyfriend's a total wimp."

I was about to say something more when she smiled and I knew that she was just kidding.

"Nobody knows about that."

"Well they won't hear it from me."

She lay back against my chest and I rested my chin on top of her head, smiling as she wrapped my arms around her waist. We spent the rest of the evening just laying there, talking for over an hour after the film had finished before I had to drive Jade home.

Watched her walk up the path to her dark and lonely house, wondering where her step mother was. She got to the door and turned back to wave. She slipped inside the house and I started the engine, ready to go home and fall into bed.

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><p><strong>R&amp;R please!<strong>

**-J**


	2. Things I Almost Hate

**Hello all! Thank you to all who reviewed, it's garnered another chapter. This one as well was mostly set up; explaining Jade's family. I'm thinking chapter 3 I'll divulge more about "the monster". If any of you picked up on that, kudos. If not, you had to have known this story had some kind of conflict, or we'd have no plot? Anyway, reviews are what make me write, so if you'd like more, please tell me! And constructive criticism, always appreciated. I'll stop my rambling now.**

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><p>God I hated homework. Like, really hated. It was one of the many, many, many things which I hated, but I seemed to run into it much more frequently than the others. Homework and Vega are the two things which I hate most in my life. Well, and him. But I hadn't seen him in a very long time.<p>

"Jade! I'm leaving for work, super's on the table!"

Ugh, why not just text me instead of paining me with your screech? I spent most of my life trying to figure my mother out. And believe me, there were times when I was sure that I was adopted. But then I would think of my father and know with certainty that the only reason he would ever have a child was because of faulty contraception.

At least she doesn't rank on my list of things I hate. I mean, she annoys me to no end, and I avoid at all costs having any interaction whatsoever with her, but I didn't hate her. Mostly because she fed me, and bought me stuff, and loved me so incredibly much that she ignored all of my undesirable qualities.

I spent a large portion of my childhood trying to understand how my parents had gotten together. My father lived for his work, and would gladly have never come home of given the option. Sure, my mother loved her work, but she also seemed to love being a mother. That I will never understand, being happy about stretch marks, and labour, screaming babies and I lifelong commitment to someone who you may end up hating.

So how exactly they began dating, and subsequently decided to get married, is beyond me. How my mother can look at wedding photos and proclaim that they were so in love, when nowadays they haven't spoken in months. And when they do, it's out of necessity. Like "I'll talk to Jade's principal about the broken vending machine since you did it last time" or "No Malcolm, I've tried talking about the piercings, there's just no reasoning with her".

But he's found someone new now, someone he can actually stand being around for more than a few hours. Although I suppose before I came along, that person would have been my mother. Because in the case of my parents, there's no denying that I'm what split them up. No matter how my mother tries to deny it, you can't argue with the eight years of pre-Jade wedded bliss, followed by a mere three as a big happy family.

"Jade! Jaaaade! Mom said that you were feeding us!"

Another floating just below my things I hate list—my siblings. I have two of them; well, half siblings. I'm sure after seeing how I turned out my father would have had aborted anything more. But no, these were the product of my mother's second marriage; her attempt at recreating the all-American family. Which of course failed miserably, leaving her once again alone. But that isn't something we talk about. The less people know the better.

"Well I'm not hungry yet!"

"But we are. This is when we normally eat!"

"Leave me alone or you starve!"

In truth I was kind of hungry also, but I like to make them suffer. They were 10 and 9 and yet could barely take care of themselves. By that age I could have probably lived on my own. But I never liked depending on other people. They always had a way of letting you down. Except Beck. But he was busy doing some project for school, so I was forced to spend tonight in my own bed, alone.

I decided to get up and go feed the idiots, mostly so that I could feed myself. I opened the door and walked downstairs, finding them both sitting in the kitchen staring at the food mom had put out.

"Finally!"

"It's pasta. You just put the noodles in your bowl, and then put sauce on it. It's not like you have to make the food."

"But mom said that we had to eat with you."

"Luke, mom says a lot of things that I choose to ignore, you should try it."

"Yeah, but you're also the reason for her migraines."

I decided to let her slide with just a glare, instead sitting down to enjoy my meal. They both sat across from me, knowing better than to try and engage me in conversation. I finally finished and left Luke and Emma to clean up. I didn't have any homework left, and Beck was busy, so that left me with pretty much nothing to do.

I settled down on my bed, ready for a long night of hilarious horror films and the kind of monsters which I would welcome in the dark.

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><p>Finally finished my comedic acting project last night. I know right, only Hollywood Arts would have a class set aside solely for comedic acting. But acting is something that I've always taken so seriously, I figured a needed somewhere to loosen up a bit. I hadn't spent any time with Jade for the past two days, so I was picking her up from school today. It was Friday, so that meant that she could stay the night in my RV.<p>

I drove Jade to and from school a lot, so I'm pretty sure that half the student population thinks we live together. Or at least are crazy nymphomaniacs. But no, we were limited to the weekends, and a few choice week nights when her parents were too busy to keep track of where she was sleeping. I pulled into her driveway and watched as she sprinted out the door, clad in black and a frown etched on her face.

"So how was your night?"

"Lonely."

"I'm sorry babe."

We drove in silence for a few minutes; me trying to navigate Los Angeles morning traffic and Jade absentmindedly sipping on her coffee.

"So what are we doing tonight?"

"I don't know. Since you're the one who's been deprived, I thought you should pick."

"Good."

"So what do you want to do?"

"I still have a movie left from my marathon last night; I figured we could watch it."

"Alright. Anything else?"

"No, why?"

"Well, it's just with me being so busy, we haven't had sex in over a week."

"Don't worry, I just didn't think we had to plan that out."

"So yes?"

"I'm not pre-planning sex Beck!"

So yes then.

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><p><strong>R&amp;R please.<strong>

**-J**


	3. For The First Time

**K, so this is officially the longest chapter I have ever written. I'm sorry if the second half is kind of awkward to read in parts, it was my first time writing sex. And btw, the italics part is a flashback. So thank you to everyone who has alerted/favourited and thank you even more to those who have reviewed. Reviews make me update, even though this one took like 2 weeks.**

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><p>Last class of the day and it's already halfway over. Jade and I don't have any afternoon classes together, so I haven't seen her since lunch. Just another thirty minutes and we'll get to spend the next twenty-four hours together. That gives us plenty of time to watch Jade's "comedies" and enjoy some long overdue alone time. I waited out the rest of math, not really paying attention until my teacher brought up homework; as that meant the end was nearing.<p>

Finally the bell rang, releasing me from this prison. I quickly grabbed my things and walked to my locker; halfway through gathering my things when I felt someone press up against me. I turned to see none other than Jade, ready to go and staring transfixed into her coffee as she waited for me.

I shut my locker and sling my bag over my shoulder, grabbing Jade's hand as we walked out to my truck. The drive home was quick, and we spent the next two hours doing homework, attempting to get it out of the way. If there was one thing Jade hated it was homework. What am I saying, Jade hating only one thing? Never going to happen.

"So what now?"

"We eat."

"Ok, eat what?"

"Food."

"Food it is."

I get in my truck and go out in search of super, settling on Chinese and the stopping to pick up chips and pop for our film later. I arrive back thirty minutes later, happy to see that Jade had gotten bored enough to put away my laundry.

"What'd you get?"

"Fried rice, Lo Mein and egg rolls."

"No Fortune cookies?"

"Those are a given babe."

I don't have an actual dining table, or any type of table, so we ate on the couch with the food spread out in front of us.

"So how was your comedy project?"

"Fine, probably not the greatest script I've ever written, but good enough."

"And you don't kiss anyone in it?"

"Well I do make out with a llama at one point-"

"Beck!"

"It's comedy, remember. And no, I don't kiss anyone in it."

"You expect to kiss me after making out with a llama?"

"Jade, it was a joke. Why the hell would I write kissing a llama into my script?"

"It's comedy, remember!"

"Let's just not talk about school anymore."

We finished eating and set up Jade's movie, her assuring me that it was hilarious, while I prepared for ripped out organs and bloody massacres. Not that I get freaked out, just that when you're not paying attention and Jade says that it's a funny part, only for you to see thirty people have their heads chopped of is a little unnerving after the third or fourth or twentieth time.

We made it through two films, each as gory as I'd expected. Although she wasn't hiding her face against my chest, Jade still sat in my lap, her head leaned against my back, with my arms wrapped around her waist. The movies concluded and we stayed seated that way; her playing with my fingers and me nuzzling her neck.

But nuzzling her neck lead to kissing it, which led to her lips, which in turn led to making out. It didn't take long for things to heat up, with my dark beauty turning to straddle me, her fingers tangled in my hair and my hands sliding up and down her sides. Another couple of minutes and I picked her up, my arms supporting her butt as we made our way over to the bed

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><p><em>God Jade looked so beautiful. The light from the sunset made her skin glow, bringing colour to her porcelain exterior. We had just spent the entire day together at the beach, one of the luxuries which came with summer. Her cheeks were rosy, and the water had brought out some of her hair's natural curls.<em>

_We arrived back and my RV, collapsing onto the couch as the L.A. heat continued to beat down even after the sun was gone. We made an attempt at watching TV, but the close contact quickly led to my lips against hers, each fighting for dominance. I slid my tongue into her mouth, her legs wrapping themselves around mine. I moved down to her neck, kissing and sucking at the exposed skin while she ran her fingers through my hair._

_I shifted us around so that I was hovering above her, gazing down at her face, with her hair splayed around her head. I moved lower, my lips now on her collarbone as my fingers ran along her sides. She lifted off my shirt and began running her hands up and down my abs. I returned the favour, fingering the edges of her t-shirt before pulling it off of her body, discarding it onto the floor._

_We had been here before, even reached slightly further. Stripped down to our underwear, touching and groping, kissing and licking every inch of exposed flesh. After a year and a half together we had gotten as close as two people could get without removing everything. At first she had been willing, removing my boxers without hesitation, lowering her face and wrapping her mouth around me. After a few times of this I was ready to pay her back, strip her down and show her just how much I loved her. But that was when she tensed. Not so much as her bra was removed; always hastily pulling away and making some excuse to leave whenever I ventured to remove something of hers._

_Whenever we talked about sex, she'd always say she was almost ready. That I only had to give her a few more days and we could do it. But then I'd go to unclasp her bras and she said she needed more time. And being the great boyfriend that I am, I gave it to her. She even went on the pill, but told me afterwards that it could take up to two weeks for it to be safe, so I eventually stopped trying. That had been over a month ago, and although I felt bad, she seemed perfectly happy going down on me, and then falling asleep in my arms._

_But something about tonight felt different. Whether it was residual heat from our day in the sun or an unusually high amount of electricity in the air, I could tell something was different. I could feel it as she reached my belt buckle, carefully undoing it and my jeans. I could feel it as I stood to slip them off, and then reached down to shed her of her own._

_We continued kissing, her fingers gradually lowering to below my boxers, teasing me with their touch. I nestled my face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent, and whispered "I love you"._

_She pulled her arms away, and lay beneath me completely still. It wasn't like this was the first time I had said this so I propped myself up and looked at her. The look on her face was of terror, so I tried to ask her what was wrong. Instead, she took my hand in her own and guided it to the clasp on her bra. _

"_Baby I know that you don't want to do this."_

"_Beck."_

_So I slowly moved my other arm behind her, fumbling with the hooks for what seemed like an eternity. When I finally got it undone I pulled back, letting her slip it off herself. She did so nervously; and when the lace finally slipped from her fingers she turned her head, refusing to make eye contact. _

_If I had thought that her skin was pale before, it was nothing compared to the translucent pearl which coloured her breasts. I slowly reached down and cupped the left one in my hand, rubbing my thumb along its side. When she didn't object I leaned down kissed the tender skin, encircling her nipple before taking it in my mouth. I kissed and caressed every centimetre, every nanometre of her chest, savouring every second. Given the landmark progress I assumed we were done for the evening; when she reached down to pull at the waist of my boxers. I removed them, and she then reached for her own, underwear that is._

"_Honey that was more than enough."_

_She looked back up at me and bit her lip, but continued to undress._

"_Jade, I know that you don't want to do this. I'm happy waiting."_

"_I'm ready."_

_What followed next were the most exhilarating moments of my life. When I pushed into her I felt as if nothing in the world could ever dampen my mood again. As slow and tender and gentle as it was, it didn't diminish the incredible ecstasy coursing through my body. At first her back was rigid, her body as stiff and unbending as steel. Although pain may have been responsible for some, I knew how nervous she was. Eventually her tears stopped and she shifted to make herself more comfortable. _

_I finally came, the feeling overtaking my body like nothing I could have imagined. Panting, I pulled myself up and went to grab a towel; cleaning myself off before pulling on my boxers. She had curled in on herself, covering her body with the sheet on the bed. I handed her a towel and some sweats and she quickly got dressed, trying her best to be modest._

_I turned to face the wall and then waited and she slowly climbed back in next to me. I kissed her check and lay next to her, unsure about how she was feeling. But she didn't let me wonder long, resting her head on my chest and hugging me with her arms. I pressed my face into her hair and brought one hand to rest on her hip, the other rubbing the small of her back._

"_You ok?"_

"_I think so."_

"_Did it hurt?"_

"_A bit… at first."_

_We lay there for awhile in silence, both just enjoying the moment and thinking about what we had just done._

"_Babe, you know I would have waited. I don't want you to regret what we just did…"_

"_I know. I think I was ready."_

"_You think?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_But what if you are wrong? What if tomorrow you totally regret this and never want to look at me again?"_

"_That won't happen."_

"_How can you be so sure?"_

"_Because I love you. And the fact that you were willing to wait so long was what made me ready."_

"_I don't understand."_

"_It's ok, I do."_

_And that's how we fell asleep, tangled in each other; revelling in this new and uncertain aspect to our relationship, at this new closeness and level of commitment. And happy. So undeniably joyously happy._

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><p><strong>R&amp;R please!<strong>

**-J**


	4. Alan's Back

**So my only excuse for not updating is that I'm incredibly lazy... and a great procrastinator. Anyway, I'm trying to make up for it, so you can expect an update by Wednesday, I promise! Also, the plot will start to pick up from here on in. So, enjoy, and review please!**

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><p>Why was I here? Why did I have to sit through this; hour upon hour of incessant cheeriness and disapproving glances. While evenings spent with my mother were painful and unbearable, evenings at my father's house left me borderline suicidal. Endless nonsensical chatter from my step-mother about any topic which crosses her mind, bombarding me with questions which I never answer. And any time the conversation crosses over to the subject of my singing, or acting, I have to face my father's weighted sighs and less than inconspicuous eye-rolls.<p>

My only escape from these situations was the RV; my refuge when it felt like one more word from Brenda's glossed pink lips would lead to my hands wrapped around her throat. Beck never objected when I showed up at _2:00 a.m.,_ when I crawled into his bed without explanation and then demanded coffee the next morning.

People are always surprised to hear about how much time we spend together; about how much time our parents allow us to spend together. They either praise them for their liberal views or condone their irresponsible parenting. But the truth was that his parents and my mother just didn't know. It was amazing how quickly lies and deceit came to teenagers when fun and sex were on the line. And yes, it was true that my father didn't know either. But he didn't know anything. Not only that I slept over at Beck's, he didn't know I had a boyfriend. It wasn't for lack of trying; they had been introduced, he just couldn't be bothered to retain that piece of information. Or any piece of information pertaining to me.

"Jade. Jade?"

"What?"

His voice immediately snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see him staring at me, annoyance apparent on his face.

"Your step-mother asked you a question."

"How's school going? Are you enjoying your classes?" She chirped; a fake smile plastered on her face.

"Yeah, it's all fine."

"You couldn't show a little more appreciation when someone tries to show interest in your life?"

"She couldn't be a little less of a pain in my ass?"

I wasn't in the mood for an argument, so I decided to leave them both dumbfounded and seek refuge in my room for the night.

_Line Break_

"Jade! Sweetheart, are you awake?"

What the hell? I lift my head off of my pillow and glance at my phone, only to see that it's _7:00 a.m. _

"Honey, could you open the door please?"

Wait, was that my mother? I pull myself out of bed and trudge to the door, opening it to reveal both of my parents staring back at me with concerned faces.

My father, concerned?

My parents, together?

Was hell freezing over?

"Mom, why are you here?"

"Jade, honey we need to talk with you."

"And it couldn't have waited?"

"Please, just listen to me and your father."

I step back and go sit on my bed; my mother sitting next to me and my father deciding to keep his distance and opting for the other side of the bed.

"Jade, your mother and I decided it was best to tell you about this as soon as we found out."

"Tell me about what?"

The shared an awkward glance, neither one wanting to be the one to speak. Finally my mother reached out to try and take my hands in hers, but I pulled away stood up to be looking down on them both.

"Tell me about what!"

"Sweetheart, there's no easy way to say this. I received a phone call from my lawyer this morning. Jade, Alan is out of jail. And he's requested visitation rights with Luke and Emma."

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><p><strong>-J<strong>

**R&R please!**


	5. End Of My World

**Alright, so as promised I actually updated within like, 5 days! it's a miracle. Anyway, I hope that you all like it. And now that the plot is becoming a bit clearer, please let me know what you think!**

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><p>"Jade? Sweetheart, do you understand what I said?"<p>

Eleven years.

"Jade, answer your mother please!"

Eleven years since he had left.

"Malcolm! Don't yell at her."

Not left, but locked away, sentenced to fifteen years in jail.

"Jade, your father and I know that this is very upsetting, but you don't have to worry about anything."

But I didn't know that at the time. My mother just told me that he had gone somewhere far far away, and that he would never come back.

"I contacted my lawyer this morning. Even if affairs with your siblings are negotiable, we have a restraining order. He can't come near you."

Well mommy, it looks like you lied.

I could suddenly feel my throat getting drier, as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room. My gaze fell on my mother, then to my father, and back again, concern and worry etched across their features. Suddenly the air returned, and I was desperate for it, gulping down large quantities; almost chocking as I inhaled as much as I could. I quickly felt two hands grab onto my shoulders, trying to get me to look up, but I kept my body rigid, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone.

I could feel my hands becoming clammy, I suppose I normal side effect of my elevated heartbeat and life ending devastation. I could see movement; my father standing and moving to our side of the bed, but I refused to look up. Instead my brain focused on the details; how chipped my nails were, the exact colour of the carpeting in my room, how many creases my mother's skirt had. It suddenly seemed as if every little thing mattered, each fine point more important than what my parents were trying to tell me. Or maybe they were just safer. Maybe I just preferred to think about the thread count of my comforter, because the thought of the monster which I had spent the last eleven years of my life pushing to the very edge of my mind made me nauseous.

Oh god, I shouldn't have thought that.

It was like I was hit by a wave, and I surprised them both when I leapt from the bed and ran into the bathroom, only seconds before the heaving began. Although I prepared for the horrible taste and sickening scent, instead nothing came out. I was left with uncontrollable heaves, wracking through my body and contracting every muscle in my abdomen with each hit. I heard tentative knocking at the door but couldn't be bothered to answer as the pain lessened and I collapsed onto the cold floor, grateful for the numbing which was overtaking my mind and body.

I didn't want to think.

I didn't want to move.

I could already predict my father's discouraging frown, embarrassed to have such a weak daughter. I guess that goes to show how damaged I really was. Eleven years of building walls; years spent strengthening and reinforcing them. And he brought them all down, in one coup. I lay there for almost an hour, the only passing of time an occasional knock on the door by my mother, followed by choice kind words which I readily ignored.

At that point I couldn't stand it anymore. Pushing myself up, and I dashed to my room and searched frantically for my phone and keys, and then rushing downstairs and out the door. I was only a few steps away when my father came rushing out behind me.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I don't know. Out."

"Jade. Jade! You listen to me, you aren't going anywhere."

I felt as if I was in a trance; each movement robotic and done without direction.

"Don't worry Dad, I'll make curfew."

"Jade, you are in no state to be driving! Jade!"

I pulled out of the driveway and made my way out onto the road, merging onto the highway before heading off onto rural roads. I drove for the entire morning, my phone constantly buzzing and beeping with voicemails and texts from my parents, but I looked at none of them. I just drove, on for miles and miles, never pausing to think about anything more than the brightness of the sun or the flora of L.A. At last I glanced at a road sign long enough to realize that I had no idea where I was. I pulled the car over and looked around, at the dusty road and long stretch of green, and then at myself; still pyjama clad, unbrushed hair and the slightest of makeup residue on my face.

I turned the car around and headed back towards town, each minute bringing with it a flood of anger, pain, sadness, hurt, and most of all, fear. I didn't want this. I wanted more than anything to go back to yesterday, and live in my perfect bubble where that monster never again entered my life. But I couldn't, and now I needed somewhere to go.

Not, home. Home was where my mother and father were, where the questions and worry and false reassurances were.

Beck.

My haven, my safe house, I could always go to Beck.

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><p><strong>-J<strong>

**R&R please!**


	6. This Can't Be Just Overreacting

**I know, two updates in a week and then I fall off of the face of the earth. I'm really sorry, like I said April is going to be a busy month and so updates will be slow. That is, if any of you actually look forward to this story? Anyway, this chapter is kind of just filler to lead up to the next one. Once again, I hope you all have happy Easters, no matter what you're celebrating. Enjoy!**

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><p>Crazed. This is the first word that comes to mind when I open my door and find Jade standing on the stoop, anxiously waiting for me to answer. Although Jade's personality may be a constant mess, she would never dare look any less than perfectly put together. Sure, there were the odd drunken disheveled nights, and late-morning wake ups where neither of us looked presentable, but that was private. Here stood my image obsessed girlfriend, standing outside in the middle of the day, looking as if she had just returned from hell.<p>

Her hair was a mess; as if she had just woken up, and she was still pyjama clad, not to mention her puffy and bloodshot eyes.

"Babe….. What the hell happened?"

I stood there staring at her, at a loss for words and unsure as what to do. Angry Jade, raging Jade, jealous Jade; these were all emotions I could handle, but broken Jade was nothing I had ever encountered before.

"I, just." She stood there breathing heavily, looking around as if the answer lay somewhere around my RV.

I pulled her inside and shut the door, turning to find her already seated on my bed. Out of habit I turned on my coffee maker, and then sat down next to her. She continued to stare down at her lap, even as I wrapped her hands with my own and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, clearing her line of vision in my direction.

"Jade? Babe, are you hurt?"

She turned to face me, her face contorting with the onslaught of more tears, her body slouching with the force of her sobs. She leant into me and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, trying desperately to think of what could have garnered such a reaction out of her. Sobbing was not something Jade did, even if it was just the two of us.

"Honey, this is really freaking me out, just tell me if you're hurt, please? Are you bleeding, or like, is something broken? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

"No, no Beck I'm fine." Jade replied, wiping at her eyes and trying to smooth out her hair.

"Honey, you don't look fine. What the hell happened?"

"Nothing, I just. I just, overreacted, that's all." She tried to fake a smile; the fake burst of happiness dimmed by her tear filled eyes.

"While I don't doubt that you have the capabilities to overreact, this doesn't look like nothing."

"Really Beck, I'm fine. Umm, is the coffee ready yet?"

I absently mindedly rose and fetched her a mug, barely taking my eyes off of her as I poured the coffee and added her sugar. She accepted it with another plastered on grin, quickly turning her attention to the steaming brew in her hands.

"Jade, I'm serious, what happened?"

"Beck, I told you that I just o-"

"Well to what then? Babe, you overreact all the time and yet this is the first time I'm ever seen you like this."

"That's just great Beck! I come here hoping for some support and instead I get labeled as a bitch and called ugly by my boyfriend."

"No, babe, that's not what I said, and you know it! I just, I want to understand what's going on. Sorry if I'm the kind of guy that becomes concerned when his girlfriend shows up at his doorstep undressed and disheveled, obviously upset about something, but that's the guy that you fell in love with, so fess up."

At this she turned away from me, her breath catching and water pooling in her eyes again. She stared at her lap and played with the handle of the mug; running her fingers through the hole and over the rim.

"It's complicated.."

It came out barely a whisper, and I didn't know if she had intended for me to hear or not.

"Jade…"

"Beck, I." She looked up then, looking at a loss for words. "Can I take a shower?"

"Jade, don't you think that we should talk first?"

The look on her face was heart wrenching, and I figured that badgering her until she answered would just cause her to close up further.

"Can I just have some time to think? Please?"

"In the shower? I'll a…. I'll be waiting here I guess."

With that she got up and walk towards the bathroom, stopping at my dresser to grab a pair of jeans before disappearing behind the door.

Something was definitely wrong.

Red eyes, night clothes, evasive answers and lies aside, my worries were best justified by the uncharacteristically untouched cup of coffee.

Sitting full on the bedside table, where Jade had left it; forgotten.

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><p><strong>-J<strong>

**R&R please! I want to know what you think!**


	7. Holes In Your Story

**Hey everyone. So I'm sorry about the wait, but you were warned. So this is filler, although you can that Jade's secret is quickly unraveling around her. Anyway, I have play practice every night for the next two weeks, but I'm going to try and pre-write chapters, although we all know how well that went over Easter. Enjoy! And please let me know what you think of the story so far.**

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><p>Burning. Stinging. I just wanted to focus all of my attention on the water pounding on my skin. I had turned the shower on as hot as it would go, and stood beneath it letting the liquid scald my skin. I just stood there, waiting for the temperature to lower on its own, so I would finally have to think about why I was here.<p>

I didn't like this feeling. Being exposed; opened up with nothing to hide behind. I had spent eleven years distancing myself as much as possible from those few horrible months, and now with a few words from my parents I had been sucked back at warp speed. I just wanted to stay here in the shower, the sound of the water blocking out the thought of any other person possibly existing.

Barely two minutes into the shower and I crumple onto the floor, resting my back against the wall and folding into myself beneath the spray of water. I wanted Beck; his strong arms and reassuring hands. On those few, rare, instances when I did cry, it was he who calmed me down. He who held me tight and caressed my hair, waiting for my tears to stop and my sobs to cease.

But he couldn't make this better.

But all this thinking was just making things worse. The past four hours that I've spent wallowing have left me feeling weak and depressed, as if I were some emotional ditz like Vega.

Rushing through my hair I turned off the water and tried to stop the tears as I dried my hair and removed my makeup. Another one of Becks many privileges was to see me like this; bare faced with my hair in a bun. I just really couldn't be bothered to try and look nice. With a final inhale and the resolution to spend the rest of the day as if nothing was wrong, I stepped out of the bathroom and proceeded to try and find something to wear. Beck was lying on his bed reading a script so I just opted for jeans, a tank top and one of his plaid shirts before going and joining him.

"That for a new part?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, some indie film needing a bunch of friends for the main character. It would just be for one scene, but it's got some lines."

"When's the audition?"

"Sometime this week, they're supposed to email me."

He was staring at me, the look on his face one of concern and confusion.

"You sure you don't want to tell me what happened this morning?"

"Beck, I told you nothing's going on."

"Babe, we both know I don't believe you. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"If I needed your protection I'd tell you."

"Promise?"

"Yes Beck, any gang members start stalking me you'll be the first to know."

"That's all that I ask." He smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek, but I can tell he doesn't completely believe me.

*Line Break*

I hate when she gets like this. Jade rarely lies to me, and when she does it's about whether or not she had threatened a cheerleader, or whether or not my shirt had been shred by the dryer or her scissors. She was stubborn as a mule and so even when faced with very incriminating evidence, Jade would stick with her story until her death. Or probably even longer.

But something told me that whatever she was keeping from me was bigger than shirts and cheerleaders.

"I'm going to go to the mall and buy some nice clothes for the audition, you want to come?"

"Your clothes aren't nice?"

"Well, the character's supposed to be a preppy private school kid, so I need like, a sweater vest or something."

"Oh god, people are going to see me shopping and think we actually wear clothes from H&M."

Glad to see that nothing can change Jade's bitter outlook on the general public.

"I promise, nothing pastel, or with any sort of checkered pattern."

We managed to get my shopping done in less than two hours, while still keeping my promise on pastels and patterns. I got us lunch at the mall but it felt more like I was eating alone as she was silent the entire time and barely touched her food.

We got home and watched TV for a few hours before I asked Jade if she was staying the night, which she quickly responded with a yes.

I went over to the bed to put away my clothes and noticed that Jade's phone was vibrating, so I picked it up to see who the text was from.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you have twenty-three missed calls and seventeen texts from your parents?"

"We got into a fight this morning, my dad expressed his frustrations with my lifestyle and he must have roped my mom into it."

While the excuse sounded typical, the messages I was reading didn't fit.

_Jade, please come home so that your mother and I can discuss this morning with you .We did not mean to shock you with the news, but your mother thought you should know as soon as we did._

_Honey, are you ok? You scared us this morning when you ran out._

_Jade your mother is very upset, please just call and tell us where you are_

_Jade, I know you don't want to talk about Alan, but I promise that nothing is going to happen. Please just call us?_

What the hell was going on?

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><p><strong>-J<strong>

**R&R please!**


	8. Coming Home

**So, I really have nothing to blame for the _extremely _long hiatus other than my own laziness. I know that most of you have probably moved on, but I've recently realized just how fast this fandom is dying, and I've resolved to finish this story. **

**I know it's been almost a year, but please review with your thoughts and opinions; good and bad.**

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><p>Resolved, I walked over and sat next to Jade on my bed, taking a few moments to collect myself before turning to her. Without a word I placed the screen before her eyes, her expression unchanging as she took in the messages.<p>

"Jade, you want me to take you home?"

"No."

"Should I take you home?"

She took the phone from my hands and wrapped her palms around it, hiding the screen from view.

"I think so."

She sat a few seconds longer before gathering her bag and silently following me out to my truck.

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><p>I can see him looking at me. My eyes haven't strayed from the window since the moment I sat down, but I can feel it each time his gaze shifts from the road to me. I can feel it each time he goes to ask what's wrong, and stops himself before any words escape.<p>

When we finally reach my driveway he places his hand over mine, trying to comfort me without a clue as to what's wrong.

"I can come pick you back up after you talk with your parents if you want."

"I think it'd be better if I just stayed home tonight."

All I want is to run to my room and withdraw into a deep sleep, but I take a moment to pull myself together just enough to face him with a small smile.

"I'll call you though, ok?"

I lean over to place a kiss on his cheek before extracting myself from the car; making my way into the house without the courage to look back and see his face.

"Jade!? Oh sweetheart."

Barely through the door and my mother is already next to me, self-conflict over whether or not to embrace me evident on her face.

"You had your father and I so worried."

"I'm fine mom, ok? It was just a lot to take in."

"I know honey."

She continues to stare at me expectantly, as if I would break down or burst into tears at any moment. A few awkward moments later I decide to end the tension, moving towards the stairs to the safety of my room.

"Wait, Jade, I was just going to make you something to eat."

"Mom, I'm really not hungry."

"It's supper time, you have to be a bit hungry."

I guess I owe this after the escape I pulled this morning.

"Is pasta ok? I have chicken in the freezer if you'd rather that. Or maybe a salad."

"Pasta's fine mom."

A stared at me a moment, as if willing me to say more before turning to the food. I sat myself down and stared at the wood of the table, studying it intently for lack of anything better to do. Each sound she made was amplified throughout the room, putting sudden emphasis on how quiet the house was. Emma and Luke most of gone somewhere for the night, but at this point I was beyond bringing it up.

"I'm just going to call your father quick to let him know you're home, alright? Just start eating and I'll be right back."

She places a plate heaped with penne before me before disappearing into the next room, though soon after muffled sounds began to make their way to where I sat. No sooner had I taken a few bites than she returned and sat next to me.

"He's glad to hear you came home."

"Ok."

"You know honey we meant what we said this morning. You don't have to worry about him, we won't let him near you."

"Yeah, I know mom."

A few more minutes of picking at my food and I decide I've sat through enough warrant my departure.

"Mom, I'm really tired, I'm just going to go to bed."

She nods and then stands, clearing my plate before following my out towards the stairs.

"I'll just be in the living room if you want anything."

She plays with her hands a bit before turning towards me and caressing my hair, laying her lips against my forehead for a second before walking into the next room; a move I know took more courage than it should have after my many years rejecting all family intimacy.

Once in my room I change into sweats and lay on my bed, fully awake and yet unwilling to do anything. I know I should call Beck, but that's just too much right now; a text will have to do.

_-Thanks for the ride home. I'm sorry about today, I just have to work a few things out with my parents.-_

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><p>My pearphone vibrates my across the RV, but I don't have to read the message to know who it's from. Jade and I have been together a long time, and I'm lucky if she calls in a good mood.<p>

My reply is short, but I don't expect to hear from her for the rest of the night, so I turn back to my movie and dinner of an orange and half a bag of Doritos.

I really didn't know what to make of what happened earlier. I mean, Jade and her parents fought all the time. I can't tell you how many times she arrived at my door in a rage, ranting about one of her parents.

But this time she wasn't angry. Of all the emotions I've seen in Jade, hurt wasn't one that showed itself often. Normally I knew how to handle her; the right thing to say to bring how that rare smile or the right look to halt the latest nasty comment.

This time I wasn't so sure.

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><p><strong>Please R&amp;R, Thank You<strong>

**-J**


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